You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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