I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
