He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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