using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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