my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
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Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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