Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
is wine microwaveable?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
