Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
