morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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