I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
