What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
