All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
