I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back