i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
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There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
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dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina