Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest