woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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