just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart