I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
