i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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