Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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