didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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