so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My pussy is not your playground.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
