i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
