plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
