I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
