Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
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WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING