FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
