so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
