I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
