Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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