When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
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don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
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A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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