All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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