fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
