Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I currently don't understand fingers.
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