i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up under a house in Key West
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