i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
