I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
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Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
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Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks