I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit