My room smells like vodka and shame
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
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It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
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It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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