So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
