hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
