pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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