So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
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I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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