I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
