All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
