Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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