finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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