i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
