my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
