I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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