the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
