Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
