Duck Duck Cougar?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
His nipple licking is glorious
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