im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
