HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
