and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
