I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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