Who wears a wallet chain?!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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