he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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