Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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