Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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