Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
