I want to walk on stilts...naked
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
