im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Four minutes until I can fart!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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