so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
